I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
