Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
