I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
