im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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