Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
