So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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