i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
