I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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