I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
