WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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