half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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