He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
