If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
