I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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