Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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