i would punch a child for taco bell
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
