i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
