my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
