Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
