A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
