when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
