FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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