I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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