3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
