i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
