Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
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Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
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Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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