found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I understand Curling. That high.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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