If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Let's paint friendship bongs
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
false alarm, still single
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