You made me cry and you don't even care
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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