smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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