he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
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I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
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Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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