I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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