pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
