i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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