dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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