I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
