would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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