Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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