And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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