I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
