Screwed.edu
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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