You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
