my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
