I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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