Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
17 year olds will be the death of me.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
