I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
