If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
