I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
