Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
