I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
