Redeem this text for a blowjob
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
