Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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