Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
