Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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