I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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