Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
